My entry into the Bad Query contest

Jessica Sinsheimer is running a Bad Query contest over at Tumblr. You should check it out, because it’s absolutely hilarious! I think the prize is a query critique, but honestly, that’s not why anyone is entering. 😉

Here’s my entry. For the love of God never write a query like this!

Hi Jessie,

I saw on Twitter that you really like cheese and seen as I really like cheese too I thought that you would be the perfect agent to buy my book, which is a cross between The Hunger Games and the Bible (it doesn’t currently have any cheese in it but i could add some if you think it would help you to seell the book to the Big Six or Five or whatever. Cause, you know, The Hunger Games is about hungry people adn who doesn’t like cheese anyway? I bet Jesus does, unless he’s a vegan. I’m not sure because I’ve never read the Bible. Don’t tell my mother!)/

My book is currently complete @ 25486 words long, although I am still editing it to add in extra scenes after getting feedback from my best friend and my boyfriend. I reckon when I’m done it will be 30000, easy.

Anyway, I have attached the full manuscript because while i know your website said to embed it in the email I thought you would be really keen to read it straight away and I didn’t want to slow you down. You’ll find I’m a super considerate client like that.

Oh, and have you seen Tim Minchin’s song called “Cheese”? I thought it could be our song. Watch it, you’ll see. We’re practically soul mates, you me and Tim!

Lots of love,

Brie Brewster

Here are a few of the things I did wrong:

* She refers to herself as Jessica on Twitter. For all I know “Jessie” one of her pet peeves! Get the name right, and use it the way the agent does.

* Agents don’t buy books. They offer representation. Publishers buy books.

* Spellchecker? What’s that? Proofreading? Ha!

* No genre or title has been provided. Also, the manuscript isn’t actually complete and 30,000 isn’t novel-length. And what’s the plot? Basically, everything that makes up the most important part of a query is missing!

* Sending attachments without being asked – that’s a paddlin’.

* The whole cheese thing… it’s nice to add a personal touch that shows you have actually done your research, but “Brie” took it way overboard. To stalker land!